BB: Before Bali

Change of Plan, Change of Plane

Monday, August 14th, 2017

I’m supposed to be on a plane right now…

Instead, I’m laying on a couch with a bag of peas pressed against my jaw, and I’m on a diet of tomato soup and ice cream. The dentist who pulled my tooth on Saturday was convinced I could easily go on a plane the next night, but oh how wrong this assumption was. I can barely talk or smile, I’ve got a sore throat, stuffy nose, and a nasty cough, and the worst nausea. Plus, my body definitely let me know that it does NOT like Vicodin. Sitting on a plane with a person 6 inches away from me for 12 hours would be a terrible idea at this point.

Thankfully, it was very easy to switch my flight. Wednesday morning will be my new departure! This gives me a couple more days to heal and I’m very happy about it. I managed to still get window seats and they even pre-ordered my meal – they recommended the fish since it will be the softest. 

So the countdown is still on. 2 more days….again. 

I did say I was going to go with the flow with this whole process. I wasn’t really expecting an emergency surgery, that’s for sure. But with this extra time I was given in Seattle, I was able to see my best friend Shayna for a hot minute and I’ll be able to see a couple other friends before I go. 

Now that the pain is almost nonexistent, I can laugh about this. I mean seriously…drive from Spokane to Seattle, straight to an emergency dentist to get my tooth pulled. Saturday was supposed to be about packing swimsuits, sunscreen, sundresses, and tank tops for paradise. Instead, it was needles, saws, clamps, and gauze in my mouth. Kiiiind of hilarious.


Ahhhhh, life. What will it bring next??

A twist…and a pull

Saturday, August 12th, 2017

And a twist to the plans that I was not expecting…

I alluded in the wee hours of this morning that a physical pain began and I was worried it would prevent me from getting on the plane in less than 48 hours.

A toothache. My worst nightmare.

It began Wednesday morning and never subsided. Do you want to know when the best time to have health insurance is? Right when you’re about to lose it… I truly feel like my mind went into hyperdrive and stressed about not having health insurance. I will have travel insurance, but nothing as comprehensive as what I had through KOMO. I checked and my last day with insurance was today. So I begged and I prayed for the pain to go away all week. It didn’t. In fact, it was so bad, it was all I could think about in my last few days at home. I didn’t really bring it up to anyone because I was that hopeful it was just temporary. Stupid me. I could barely taste my last few meals at home, I turned down my Gramma’s cookies (idiot!), and I could barely sleep due to the pain. 

This past night I barely slept at all. I just knew deep down something was wrong. So I got out of bed at 6am and took off for Seattle. I said goodbye to my parents and it was not how I was intending it to be. We said goodbye, but I honestly wondered if I was actually going to leave. Maybe I’d visit a dentist, they’d tell me I have to get my tooth pulled, I’d have to wait 2 weeks for it to be done, I’d sink into depression and wonder what the hell I was doing with my life, and I’d lose my belief in magic. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not two days before my grand adventure!

So I drove and tried to get lost in my music. It was really hard; my mind frequently wandered to the worst possible scenario: I wouldn’t go to Bali. I’d end up paying an arm and a leg. And I’d regret everything I’ve done the past 3 months.

I called the emergency dentist right when it opened and set my appointment. Deep breaths.

I arrived, stood outside the door, made a quick phone call and looked down. I know it says “BALL”, but to me, it was just the sign I needed at the time. I saw “BALI.” Ok, yes, I can do this. It’s going to be okay. A little hint of magic.


After pages of paperwork, I sat down and tried not to panic. They looked at my tooth and said they could give me an antibiotic, but that would just mask the problem. It would still cause me issues and I should get it pulled. They said they could do it right then.

What?! RIGHT NOW? Don’t I need to make appointments? Wait for a week? Have someone here to drive me home? Aren’t you going to put me under? Isn’t this a bigger ordeal?!?!

I told them I have a flight the next day…and my parking was going to expire in an hour.

“Not a problem. You can be on the flight and you’ll be out of here in no time.”

WHAT? Why is this so easy? I honestly thought maybe I was in some scammy office with dentists who aren’t actually dentists. They came by with a form that said it would only be $130. Today was my last day with insurance. It was either today…or worry the entire time I was in Bali.

I was terrified. Shaking, crying, and not happy.

It began. 4 tools in my mouth at once for almost an hour. The sound of the saw, the sight of seeing white gauze go in and red gauze come out, the smell of shaved tooth, and constantly trying to breathe and relax. 

Not what I was envisioning for the Saturday before my trip. After an hour, I was sitting up with gauze and stitches in my mouth. They’re still convinced I can go on a plane soon, no problem. We’ll see about that.

But I’m happy I did it. It sucks right now, but I know it would have been a lot worse if I didn’t get it checked out.

Now I’m sitting on a couch, watching Harry Potter, smelling corn and really wishing I could eat it…and the sting is beginning.

Keep crossing your fingers…I really hope they’re right about me being able to get on that plane!

Who gets their tooth pulled 2 days before they’re supposed to go to Bali?? I DO! I DO!

Ready for the beach…

Crossing Fingers

Saturday, August 12th, 2017

It’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep.

2 days left…

The doubt, the fear, and the nerves have all made their presence known. Whenever people asked me if I was nervous to go to Bali alone, without a job or a plan, I would immediately respond, “Not at all.” And the truth was, I wasn’t nervous at all. I don’t know why, but now I’m nervous. It’s all becoming real…so real, that my mind is spinning like a tornado. I quit my job. I gave away the majority of my belongings. I am leaving my friends and Seattle. And I have no plan. These past few months, it felt liberating. Now? I feel like I’m crazy for doing all this! There’s a voice in my head that’s telling me that I’m nuts and I should have stuck to what I knew, what was comfortable. I’ve lost touch with my positive intuition that was guiding me down a new path.

I was working so damn hard to wrap loose ends up at work, say goodbye to everyone, train my replacement, and mentally prepare for a wild adventure. Pushing myself that hard has manifested into a nasty cold that I’ve been dealing with while home in Spokane. I know I’m not myself when I actually turn down my Gramma’s cookies. WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

Also, a painful issue showed up and I’m terrified that it might actually prevent me from getting on the plane in 2 days. So damn terrified.

I wish I could have been writing happy, whimsical updates this past week, but this is my truth right now. I promised myself that I wouldn’t hold back in sharing my journey, and unfortunately, it’s not always perfect. I’m experiencing setbacks and I will do my best to kick that negative voice out of my head.

I’ve been receiving so many pep talks from my family and sweet notes from friends that are keeping me going. Some of you have said you’re rooting for me…you have no idea how much that helps me right now. I didn’t think I’d need support, so thank you for believing in me.

I’ve been tossing and turning all night – it’s amazing how writing this all out helps calm my mind. I’m grateful for this outlet…and I’m also very grateful for you.

Crossing fingers…

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The People

Friday, August 4th, 2017

Today is my last day at KOMO. It finally arrived…

Very bittersweet. It’s been 8 incredible years – starting as a little intern, growing into Programming, Sales, and finally Creative Services. This past week has been so busy, but so heartwarming and I’d love to write more…but this is all I have energy for at the moment…

There are a variety of reasons I am leaving work, some reasons are obvious (hello, BALI), and there are others I won’t get in to. But there is a reason I absolutely love KOMO. There is a reason I loved coming in to work every. single. day.

It’s the people.

Two years ago, we were about to unveil our brand new News set. My boss asked me to go around the station and take pictures of as many people as I could so we could have the photos appear on the HAM (Huge Ass Monitor). I loved this project because it was my way to sort of dive into photography – it was during this project I learned more about lighting, focus, and the infamous rule of thirds. I wasn’t all too great at taking photos, but it planted the seed for my interest in photography.

But I mainly loved this project because I got to interface with a lot of incredible people. I didn’t realize at the time how grateful I’d be to have these photos to remember my friends with.

My people.

Thanks for 8 incredible years. I will miss this place and these people so damn much.

Beautiful souls. I am so lucky.

Big Table

Tuesday, August 1st, 2017

Over three years of Tuesday meetings with my Creative Services team. A morning meeting that always turned into light-hearted conversations and witty quips back and forth. 

A team (I like to call our team a family) of creative, intelligent minds that convene every Tuesday at Uptown Espresso. 1 drip, 1 white chocolate mocha, 2 Americanos, a hot chocolate, and a wildcard (usually a vanilla latte or chai tea). 

Over the years we’ve had over a hundred meetings. Pete would always text us when he got there after his walk from the bus.

“Big Table”

That’s all it took. A few minutes later, we’d all make our way to our favorite coffee shop with the green carpet and the “velvet foam.” We’d gather around the one big table, sip our fuel,  and talk about a mix of work and life. 

I’ll miss our Tuesday meetings.

It’s sloooooooooowly starting to hit me.

Just Around the Corner

Monday, July 31st, 2017

My last Monday at work… Still hasn’t hit me. Still a little confused as to why I’m not having many emotional moments. 

I did a last Starbucks run with Carmen and Sara; I had a last lunch with Wes; I canceled my membership at Modo Yoga; I walked out of work knowing I’d never experience another Monday in the Plaza again. 

I texted Heather telling her that I don’t know why my emotions are so blocked. She responded, “Just let it be. You’ll process this for sure, just not as you’d envisioned.”

She’s right. I promise to stop this whole “how come I’m not crying?!” response to everything and just….let it be.

And for a last Monday, it was pretty damn special. Sara visited just to take our traditional Monday Starbucks walk. Great way to set a positive tone for the week…

Sara’s last day: September 2015

Sara came back! July 2016

Sara’s last day…again! January 2017

Mo’s turn… July 2017

 

I’ve gotta be honest…none of this feels real.

Recently I wrote about how everything going on felt like minute 60 of a 75-minute Power Flow class. Work events, social engagements, commitments, and deadlines were like all the hardest yoga poses in one sequence while I’m resisting the temptation to get into child’s pose for the rest of class.

Thankfully I have passed minute 60.

Now I’m in minute 70. Happy baby pose and supine twist pose. There is still more to do and I refuse to succumb to “short timer syndrome,” but there is a comfort knowing that I’m almost there. 

Savasana, and Bali, are just around the corner…

Part of the Process

Thursday, July 27th, 2017

“Are you counting down the days?”

I have been for months! (18 days to go, btw)

“Are you excited?”

You have no idea.

“What’s your plan when you get there?”

The plan is to have no plan…for once in my life!

I’m going through a sort of bizarre set of emotions as I get closer to my departure. I’m going through various “lasts” and I’ve been surprised with my reactions. More like, lack of reactions. I’m normally a very emotional person. I am very sensitive and I tend to feel things very deeply. Beautiful sunset? Crying and metaphorically comparing it to life. Saying goodbye to Abby each time I dogsit? Balling. Finding a heart rock while on a hike? Stopping in my tracks, putting my hand to my chest, and releasing a sigh of sheer joy.

Every moment has meaning to me and even a little heart rock can make my heart melt. If you know me, this is no secret.

Right now, I’m going through the biggest moments and the most monumental “lasts”…but I’m relatively unemotional about it.

This week has been insanely busy. [currently trying to keep my eyes open and my energy up for my dinner plans tonight] Everything, though, has been so good. So, so good. Wonderful yoga classes, meals, meet ups, and connections with new and old friends. My heart has been so full and there has been so much love. I really do feel it.

But for some reason, I’m bothered that I didn’t get emotional during my last yoga class at Modo. I don’t know why I didn’t shed a tear at my surprise lunch today with my work team/family. How come during all my times with my friends, I haven’t gotten that overwhelming feeling that this is goodbye for long time? It’s so not like me. I just don’t want my semi-lack of emotion to make anyone think I don’t care.

How have I not broken down yet? When am I going to get into that frenzy where I realize, holy shit, I’m quitting my job, I won’t have a steady income, and I’ll be living in a foreign country?!?! I sold the majority of my stuff and I’m leaving the Pacific Northwest. WHAT AM I DOING?! There’s always a meltdown before a crazy leap like this, right?

I can feel all the emotion in the back of my throat right now, though. It’s definitely there. I think I have my guard up. There is a very, very thin wall I’ve built around these “lasts” and goodbyes. But that thin wall is mighty strong. I know if I release it, it will be a flood.

Writing this is helping… Hope you don’t mind my version of “writing out loud.”

Honesty is essential and I promised myself I wouldn’t hold back in my writing. I know I’ve pretty much only shared the rosy moments of the past few months. But I think it’s important to recognize the good, and also the moments that are a bit more raw.

If I’ve been with you recently and we’ve had our goodbye hugs, I want you to know how much I care about you. I have been so lucky to have THE MOST incredible people, mentors, and spirits in my life. The tears will come, I’m sure. Maybe my body is waiting until I step on that plane. That’s when it’s really real. Who knows?

What I do know is that it just hasn’t hit me yet. My last day of work is next Friday and I can’t really believe it. Doesn’t feel real.

It’s all a part of the process…