Wednesday, September 13th, 2017
It finally hit me. The emotion. The homesickness. The minor meltdown. I was always wondering when it would happen. I thought it would happen while I was still in Seattle, packing up all my belongings, saying all of my goodbyes. But it never hit me.
After a few weeks on a new island, instead of thinking when, I started wondering if it would ever hit me that I uprooted my life and left everything I knew to start a new path on the other side of the world. It was a hectic 3 months preparing and it confused me that I never got very emotional about it. But yesterday, it finally hit me.
“What the hell am I doing? I left an awesome job with wonderful people. I left a city with so many of my friends that I could call at any moment and grab a cup of coffee with. Instead of a 4 hour drive away from my family, I am now a 24-hour travel day away. I sold half of my belongings and moved away from my happy place, Greenlake. I left the comforts of home. For what?”
It was especially frustrating that the emotion hit me after such a positive yoga class where we were guided to think positively and trust the Universe. But during the day, my mind was swirling with all these negative thoughts that have probably been waiting to come to the surface.
Did I make a mistake? Am I doing the right thing or am I just putting my life on hold for an “extended vacation?” Maybe those couple of people who doubted my decision were right. Maybe I really am crazy for doing all of this.
My main hurdle is not feeling a sense of purpose. Each day, I sit at a beach or a different warung and soak up my surroundings. I am meeting people and I am delving deep into the culture of the Balinese. But am I making a difference? Maybe I am supposed to work 40 hours a week in order to feel like I’m contributing to the world. Maybe I’m supposed to be in America and find that person I’ll marry and buy a house and have a child.
Why was I called to Bali? Why did I have to be so drawn to a place that is so far away?
What I do know, is that I’m not quite ready to leave. Regardless of what my crazy mind is thinking, my gut is telling me to stay. Maybe I don’t feel a sense of purpose…yet…but I trust that I am supposed to be here. I just need to keep going.
Something that brought me comfort during my mini meltdown was this picture. This reminder of support. I am so grateful for my friends and family for believing in me. Right now, I’m struggling to believe in myself and there’s this little voice that’s telling me to pack up and go back and find a job and get back into ‘reality.’ But a stronger voice is telling me to not give up.
My little nieces are a huge part of my heart and they are infatuated with the movie Moana. Yesterday morning on FaceTime, Avery sang “How Far I’ll Go” and it made me so happy. I watched Moana pretty much every morning I was with my family before I left for Bali. Claire is especially obsessed with it. It’s actually the perfect story for me to think about right now. Even last night, I was walking on the beach and a man said, “Watch out, I’m catching something!” He reeled in his fishing line and instead of a fish, it was a manta ray. It was absolutely beautiful. The fisherman pulled out the line from its mouth and placed it back in the ocean…but I couldn’t help but notice my timing and how I was in the right place at just the right time to see this beautiful creature. And I was reminded of my nieces and Moana at that moment.
See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I’ll know, if I go there’s just no telling how far I’ll go…
I’m going to keep going. Let’s see how far I’ll go…
Love you all more than you know.