Thursday, July 27th, 2017
“Are you counting down the days?”
I have been for months! (18 days to go, btw)
“Are you excited?”
You have no idea.
“What’s your plan when you get there?”
The plan is to have no plan…for once in my life!
I’m going through a sort of bizarre set of emotions as I get closer to my departure. I’m going through various “lasts” and I’ve been surprised with my reactions. More like, lack of reactions. I’m normally a very emotional person. I am very sensitive and I tend to feel things very deeply. Beautiful sunset? Crying and metaphorically comparing it to life. Saying goodbye to Abby each time I dogsit? Balling. Finding a heart rock while on a hike? Stopping in my tracks, putting my hand to my chest, and releasing a sigh of sheer joy.
Every moment has meaning to me and even a little heart rock can make my heart melt. If you know me, this is no secret.
Right now, I’m going through the biggest moments and the most monumental “lasts”…but I’m relatively unemotional about it.
This week has been insanely busy. [currently trying to keep my eyes open and my energy up for my dinner plans tonight] Everything, though, has been so good. So, so good. Wonderful yoga classes, meals, meet ups, and connections with new and old friends. My heart has been so full and there has been so much love. I really do feel it.
But for some reason, I’m bothered that I didn’t get emotional during my last yoga class at Modo. I don’t know why I didn’t shed a tear at my surprise lunch today with my work team/family. How come during all my times with my friends, I haven’t gotten that overwhelming feeling that this is goodbye for long time? It’s so not like me. I just don’t want my semi-lack of emotion to make anyone think I don’t care.
How have I not broken down yet? When am I going to get into that frenzy where I realize, holy shit, I’m quitting my job, I won’t have a steady income, and I’ll be living in a foreign country?!?! I sold the majority of my stuff and I’m leaving the Pacific Northwest. WHAT AM I DOING?! There’s always a meltdown before a crazy leap like this, right?
I can feel all the emotion in the back of my throat right now, though. It’s definitely there. I think I have my guard up. There is a very, very thin wall I’ve built around these “lasts” and goodbyes. But that thin wall is mighty strong. I know if I release it, it will be a flood.
Writing this is helping… Hope you don’t mind my version of “writing out loud.”
Honesty is essential and I promised myself I wouldn’t hold back in my writing. I know I’ve pretty much only shared the rosy moments of the past few months. But I think it’s important to recognize the good, and also the moments that are a bit more raw.
If I’ve been with you recently and we’ve had our goodbye hugs, I want you to know how much I care about you. I have been so lucky to have THE MOST incredible people, mentors, and spirits in my life. The tears will come, I’m sure. Maybe my body is waiting until I step on that plane. That’s when it’s really real. Who knows?
What I do know is that it just hasn’t hit me yet. My last day of work is next Friday and I can’t really believe it. Doesn’t feel real.
It’s all a part of the process…